The Best

It was springtime in Missouri, nearly Easter as a matter of fact, when Todd and I went on our first date some twenty seven years ago.  We saw the movie, Home Alone.   Though the movie had come out months prior it took a while for it to reach our theater in small town Missouri.  We found it quite amusing to watch a recently released Christmas movie at Easter, yet the timing was perfect...the best, actually.  It was a moment made just for us - the start of our beautiful relationship, and a special memory we'll always cherish. 

I’d love to tell you I am patient in all things and with all people, but there would probably be a be lump of coal in my stocking if I did!  What I can honestly tell you though is this –God specializes in timing – even if it means seeing a Christmas movie at Easter.  His plan for our lives is always perfect, always best, and always provides exactly what we need right on time...every time. 

While Home Alone holds a special place in my heart and Todd’s, it also holds a special place in the hearts of our two boys as well.   Every year the four of us watch the Home Alone movies together while putting up our Christmas tree.  I hope the boys continue that tradition years from now when they put up their Christmas trees with their own children; and I pray they'll fondly look back on these times we've shared and remember how much they were and are loved. I treasure my opportunities to connect and make memories with my family; even more so now - as the boys get older and as we face my cancer diagnosis.  Life goes by quick and time spent with my husband and our boys is the best, most precious gift ever.

Recently, I submitted a wish to the Stella’s Wish Foundation, a foundation which grants wishes to adults with stage IV cancers.  For nearly a month I wrestled over whether or not to submit a wish.  I wondered if it would be selfish. Afterall, our family is certainly not the only family in the world dealing with the dark cloud of cancer, and so many, many others are far worse off than us.  Submitting a wish also meant facing the reality that I meet the requirements to even do so, and that, quite frankly, is a hard reality to stare in the eye.  But, I knew what I wanted, and I also knew I wasn’t going to be able to make it happen on my own.  I desperately wanted to give my family the best Christmas ever.  So, I prayed, "God give me what is best... whatever that may be", and I submitted the wish. 

The foundation receives 60 to 100 wishes every month.  I am no more deserving than anyone else to have my wish granted. I am also keenly aware that just because we want something that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best or right thing for our lives at that time.  I’ve learned that wanting the best thing in my life and the life of my family means I’m praying, trusting and asking God for that best thing.  There was no guarantee my wish would be chosen and I was okay with that.  Again, my desire was for our family to receive the best thing – even if it was no thing at all.  

The wish… New York City at Christmas time. We’ve never been to New York, but thanks to Home Alone 2 seeing the city at Christmas is something we have long wanted.  The movie, set in New York City, has many scenes depicting the grandeur and magic of the Christmas decorations which adorn the area.  Further, prior to my diagnosis I made a promise to my boys that I would take them to NYC before they graduate high school.  We are so fortunate in our country to have many memorials and monuments which provide us the opportunity to pay homage to those who’ve gone before us and serve as reminders to pause and appreciate the freedoms we enjoy in our great nation.  It has always been important to me to make sure my children see some of these important and reverent sites and to teach them to respect the men and women associated with those sacrifices and freedoms.  New York City is among the cities having many such memorials and monuments. 

Early last week, I got a call from Stella’s Foundation.  We will be leaving for New York soon.  My heart is humbled and full of gratitude. Thank you, Lord.  It will be the best trip ever. 

**Many thanks to the Stella's Wish Foundation for honoring my wish.  You can read more about the foundation and Mrs. Stella by clicking the link.  We are grateful for Mrs. Stella's legacy and the difference she and the foundation continue to make in the lives of many families such as ours.  

Balance

Last week we completed round 5 of 6 rounds of chemo.  The further we get into the treatment, the harder it becomes.  Chemo has a cumulative effect, so each round builds on the previous one and the side effects often become stronger and more frequent.  We’ve certainly noticed.  My stamina has decreased significantly and my stomach pain has increased.  I’ve been spending a lot of time sleeping and taking more days off of work to rest.  Finding balance has been tough, but we are hanging in there, and reminding ourselves to take one day at a time.  It’s so easy to get discouraged through this journey, and admittedly, there are days that I truly just want to stay in bed and cry.  I know that’s a normal response, but not one of which I’m particularly fond.  I suppose I thought I would breeze right through chemo and it would only affect me as much as I allowed.  Boy, was I wrong!  Daily I am reminded it’s not my own strength that will get me through this, but Christ’s strength in me.  Some days I do a better job leaning into His strength than others though.  I pray my witness and testimony continue to shine through – even on the hard days. 

We are so very appreciative of all your prayers and encouragement, meal deliveries, cards, hugs and thoughtfulness to our family.  It means a great deal to the four of us and we are incredibly blessed with so many caring, kind friends and family.  Next week I will complete my final round of chemo.  It will be a bittersweet ending.  The fatigue and stomach pain will eventually fade and my hair will start to grow back. Some of the side effects won’t go away, however.  Recently, we learned that the chemo has caused severe hearing loss in both of my ears, and I’ll be fitted for hearing aids soon.  Thankfully, I haven’t lost all my hearing, nonetheless, the hearing loss is a hard pill to swallow and another new normal to which we must adjust.  Sometimes, learning to balance involves a whole lot of wobbling until our gait is steady again.  And, right now, I feel like a wobbly, hot mess.   

We also know that the chemo has been effective in shrinking the tumors and slowing the growth of the cancer.  What a blessing!  When I finish my 6th round, chemo will no longer part of our treatment plan and the cancer will eventually start to grow again.  When that will happen is anyone’s guess, but we are encouraged that about 40% of patients tend to go one to two years without growth and the need for additional treatment.  We pray that is the case for me, plus some!  When the cancer does grow again, however, immunotherapy will likely be our next step and then ultimately clinical trials.  There is strong likelihood the cancer will be what takes my life, but we also know that none of us are promised tomorrow.  I am so thankful for my faith and the confidence I have in knowing that when my time on earth is through, whenever and however that may be, I’ll be rejoicing in Heaven.  And, I guarantee there’s balance there! 

As I close out this update, I would ask that you continue to remember us in prayer.  Specifically, I ask that you lift us up as we contemplate important decisions for our future.  Many patients with stage IV bladder cancer file for disability.  We’ve started some difficult conversations in this regard and for now are still gathering facts.  The timing of when to file is weighing heavy on our minds and shoulders.  Please pray that we would be wise and at peace with our decision. 

I have the following verse written on a note card by my Bible.  Every morning I look at it and remind myself…

Be joyful in hope. Patient in affliction. Patient in prayer. – Romans 12:12

Balance. 

Waves

The Florida beaches along the Gulf of Mexico are one some of my most favorite places to visit!  The soft, sugar white sand and turquoise water.  The lullaby of the tides that eases weary souls and minds to stillness and rest.  The breathtaking sunrises and sunsets.  Serenity now! I love every. single. bit of it. 

Just a few weeks ago, my family took a trip to one of those beautiful beaches. What a blessing it was to spend moments together making priceless memories.  At the time, we were waiting in the wings for news of whether or not I had cancer.  Having already received the results of some of my scans, we knew the possibility of cancer was a very real one.  But, having gone through cancer before, we are/were also all too familiar with riding the waves of survivorship.  Sometimes, there are scary test and scan results that turn out to be nothing at all.  We've learned it's imperative to find balance while riding the waves, and that balance requires a steady footing. Sometimes that is much easier said than done, but regardless, without it, we find ourselves overwhelmed by the waters. 

One morning during our vacation, we got up early to take family photos on the beach.  Thanks to my sweet husband, who also served as our photographer, we were blessed with many great photos.  One of those photos, however, speaks to my heart the most.  It’s a photo of me with my boys gazing out at the vast waters before us. 

Like the stillness of the ocean in the photo that morning, sometimes the waters in our lives is calm. Other times, as we all know, it’s full of many unexpected waves…some waves will be breathtaking and wonderful and some will hit your heart so hard you don’t know if it will ever be able to beat again.  But, for every wave that crashes, my faith in Christ will stand.  He steadies my footing.  He calms the waves.

Who is like you, Lord God Almighty? 

You, Lord, are mighty, and your faithfulness surrounds you.

You rule over the surging sea; when its waves mount up, you still them.- Psalm 89:8-9

This past Monday I received my first chemotherapy treatment. I am feeling well, just riding a few waves of nausea and fatigue.  But, God’s got this.  And, He’s got me.  And, for whatever waves you’re facing, He’s got you too. 

I’ll close with the lyrics from the song, “Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” as performed by Hillsong United.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

(Chorus)
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

(Chorus)

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

(Chorus)

A New Chapter...

Confession: I am somewhat technologically challenged!  I had hoped to upload a video here to the blog page, but it appears the file it too large to do so.  So...if you feel so inclined, I would love for you to visit the Facebook page for the blog and watch the video there. 

Our family is embarking on a new chapter and we would so love for you to continue walking The Slickery Road of life with us.  

Much love to all of you,

Angela